Controlling Father Impeding Responsibility of Grown Children

by Nancy
(Birmingham, AL)

Visitor's experience:

My boyfriend has a 25 year old daughter with a 3 1/2 year old daughter. The daughter became pregnant and was living with her mother and the mother asked her to move out.

My boyfriend told her she could live with him. He moved her in. Then when the baby was born, the daughter's boyfriend moved in. They finally married 2 years ago and continued living with my boyfriend, paying no bills at all except their personal bills.

My boyfriend cooked, cleaned and did their laundry. He became unemployed 2 years ago and became a "stay at home dad" for these grown kids.

To date, he is still unemployed with no desire to be employed. Although they have moved out, he monitors the daughter's days off, makes plans for them based on her days off, runs errands with her and the baby, at times the husband will be around, cooks a full course meal those dates and recently spent 2 days straight baking and cooking for them.

In November she and her husband wanted to adopt a puppy but could not have it at the apartment they rent. They asked my boyfriend to keep it at his house as he has a fenced in yard and the a dog already.

He went with them to pick up the dog, goes to every vet visit and keeps the dog at his house.

At first they were good about stopping by on days off and weekends helping take care of the puppy and fulfilling their responsibility. When they got the puppy, he made the statement "oh, I get to see my daughter and the grand baby more often; every day." This has not happened as of the past month. They do "fly bys" bring dog food okay with the dogs minute and day they have yo get home.

He cleans up after the puppy, feeds it and since the weather has been so cold, keeps the puppy in his basement. This results in cleaning up dog feces and urine every morning as well as other times throughout the day.

The dog was in a kennel in his living room until he moved her to his basement to roam freely.

He was an immaculate housekeeper and now his house smells absolutely horrid from dog feces and urine and he has no time yo clean like he used to.

His morning routine consists of letting the dog outside and cleaning and mopping up dog feces and urine constantly. He commented not longshoremen that if he went back to work, he would spend every evening having to train and clean up after the puppy.

The puppy knows only he as its handler. It minds no one else. The kids don't spend any quality time with it. Basically, my boyfriend devotes his life to cooking for his kids, still, and now being their puppy caretaker.

I have an 28 year old son about to start college. I try to teach him to take on his own responsibilities. He has a cat he takes care of and gives vast attention to. He knows how to cook and clean, do laundry, as well as handle all responsibilities which entailed him to get scholarships to college. I am trying to teach him to be independent of me, as I will not always be around. I don't want him to go into adulthood being dependent of his parents.

I refrain from saying anything to my boyfriend, however, I believe he is enabling his daughter and her husband to not accept responsibility. That has affected our relationship. He plans dinner and outings on the daughter's days off and does not invite me nor my son. It's as if he has 2 separate lives.

We can plan nothing on the daughter's days off and they always come first. I understand "children first" and practice it, but I invite him to dinner with my son and I and always try to include him if possible. I'm not jealous, just baffled.

My boyfriend's second ex-wife, who is not the mother of his 2 daughter's told me once that she left him because he treated the oldest daughter more like a wife than a daughter and he never really included she and her 3 boys in some things. She said it was a constant competition.

Am I missing something?

I don't think I am jealous but I simply do not understand a grown man with a life of his own not working and devoting his entire life to a grown daughter who is married with a child and life of her own.

Any advice would be appreciated.

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