2 Narcissistic Parents and Profound Loneliness
I have been in therapy for about 1.5 years now. I have been in no contact with my mother (who has full-blown NPD with sociopathic traits) for the same amount of time.
I have maintained contact with my narcissistic father, which is fraught with pain and difficulty. I was abused sexually, physically, and emotionally by my mother. I was abused emotionally by my father. My parents divorced when I was young.
The past year-and-a-half has been liberating and extremely painful. Luckily, I have a dear friend who is going through the same process with her narcissistic parents; otherwise, I would be completely alone. My therapist is amazingly insightful, but I know that she is there because I pay her to be, and I can't do that forever.
I struggle with many things, and loneliness is the hardest part. My parents (and my sibling) don't see me, hear me, or care to. I keep hoping for some glimmer of recognition from any of them, but there is none. I walk alone and every day make the choice to work on healing despite the fact that almost no one in my life understands.
I am trying to become my own 'compassionate witness'. I am trying to be proud of myself for my bravery, for my sheer willpower to walk the path of healing, for sacrificing unhealthy bonds in exchange for freedom. It's hard knowing that my family isn't proud of me and that for the rest of my life and theirs they will most likely never understand, will never appreciate, will never heal, will never SEE ME. I am the outcast, the lost child, the scapegoat, the dark horse - to them.
I spend most of my time now with people who do see me, do care about me, do know me, do love me. And at times I can hardly believe it - that I actually matter to them and am real and distinct and celebrated.
And yet, it doesn't make it any less painful to be apart and unseen by my closest kin. It's an open wound in my heart and bleeds all day every day.
It is still completely worth it though. My bleeding heart is real, and I choose to honor it. And I just keep choosing to breathe. I feel alive, everyday more than the day before. I wish they could join me.
All the best to all of you.
~ Anonymous ~