Controlling Mother

by Stephanie Poe
(Baltimore, MD)

I have a narcissist mother who feels the need to control everything I say, do and decisions that I as a parent make in life.

My child suffers from a brain injury and the first thing she tells me is that she is going to move me into her house and help me raise my "child with special needs" because she feels like I can't do it on my own.

Then whenever I don't do what she wants, she threatens to take my child away from me or likes to hang stuff over my head saying 'I helped you out! You'd be out on the streets if it weren't for me' and whenever I talk about moving out and wanting my independence, she claims that I wont be moving out for a long time and saving money is pointless because I need to help her with bills around the house and that keeps reiterating that I won't be moving out any time soon.

She also likes to tell me what taste to have in men, that they are never good enough for me and that if I don't pick a man that she likes or approves of she will have custody of my baby and will raise him herself.

I want to move out so bad but I can't in fear of disappointing her. Everyone tells me I am an adult and can do what I want but with a controlling mother it is hard to do so.

I have caught her a few times going through my mail and reading what I received in the mail. After confronting her about it she says 'I just wanted to see what it was'.

I also feel like I have to hide when I buy things because she likes to question where I went and what I bought. I've had to throw bags away and hide things in my purse to avoid confrontation.

~ Stephanie Poe ~

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Aug 30, 2017
by: Anonymous

I'm a very easygoing person, everyone EXCEPT my parents acknowledge how nice I am, even if they don't necessarily like me.

Growing up after that "independence-seeking" phase, I had to come home to:
- "you can't do your homework with all of this noise? Deal with it"
- missing mail... I found an invitation to a prestigious program three years after the delivery date
- my trophies being pieced back together and displayed after I tore them apart for lacking any meaning for me
- parents yelling at each other, cursing at us to "stop talking," "why don't you do it this way? You have no sense..." so why - as a parent - are you not teaching me what makes sense?
- lying to neighbors about what I do and how I feel. Some lady told me I was bipolar. Not only did I already have a therapist tell me I only had depression and anxiety, nothing else, someone had the nerve to tell me that I had some illness she was unqualified to diagnose, making the situation more ridiculous by only having met me within an hour.
- therapist told me to lower my expectations with my parents. Eight years later, I finally understood why she told me.
- Younger brother not bathing nor brushing his teeth. Older kid still wetting the bed. Playing video games NON STOP instead of finishing homework. Being yelled at, fed junk and steroids, being used as a Christmas ornament when taken out to shop for things that will not belong/be of use to him. Being made to pick sides and listen to adult problems when he has no advice to give!!! (Not of age)
- parent asking me to sacrifice my energy and time to save them time/make them rich because "you've always like to be a helpful person to others" or "you get to use you skills to do all the work, and earn 10% profits" on their impulsively overbought, outdated junk that no one will ever buy
- "why don't you help your little brother get into college?" Hello!
No one helped me, even when I had to do all of the research, ask the counselors at school (who thought other kids were worth helping), apply the colleges and receive merit scholarships that couldn't cover what my parents (with rental property, five cars, a tendency to vacation whenever, savings and no will to explain anything) refused to cover (no reason came with it... Just refusal to sign FASFA and evasion of talking about taxes), not knowing how to communicate with the leaders of the school, and basically not being able to afford the tuition at the local two year school (most of the classes there were a total joke, so were most of the students)
I can't help him 'cause I don't know how! Plus, he lacks the competitive edge that will get him any kind of merit scholarship. Just look at his report card!
Everyone in the academic community commonly agrees that it's the PARENTS' responsibility to take care of school expenses up until the child turns 24, regardless if the child acts independently and is financially independent (pays for basic bills, insurance, travel, food, whatever). Over 50% of American 30 year olds barely make over 36k per year before taxes. You can barely live and save on your own on that, even with roommates!
- mom says "raise your brother while I go live my life. I have custody over both of you, but I can't be bothered to care for any of your needs because my life/above average paycheck -even for a household of three - isn't satisfying me"
I'm not the one who made a choice to have children. Deal with the consequences or stop complaining that I left home at 18 to be with strangers who treated me with the basic decency you refused to give to your own children. The STATE provides better than you and the PUBLIC, even the predators treat me better than you.
- "no, we can't pay for your schooling because we'd rather live a lifestyle we can't afford"
- "please babysit your brother. We're asking you at the last minute because we believe you have no plans for yourself and you exist to fulfill our needs/we're too cheap to pay a babysitter" when I indeed have had plans that were made MONTHS ago that keep a ROOF over my SEVERELY BROKE self.
I left and never talked to them again after I flipped them off.
- "you used to be so nice (gullible, suggestible, obedient). Why are you being so mean? (Enforcing boundaries, respecting myself, not tolerating being used like some dumb doll, following through with my life and not having it taken away on someone else's last-minute whim).
Cuz I'm done with your controlling bs.
- don't get me started on the borderline psychopathic-anger talk, the veiled threats, public humiliation, disregard for others' feelings, negating statements, twisting words and misunderstanding when everyone else including strangers knew what pains I took to be articulate and cooperative, the "why are you wearing that?" "Why does it have to be this way?" "Why isn't society operating on my grounds?" Obviously anything that didn't work with the parents' logic was completely flawed because it simply did not include their own half assed reasoning.
- oh! Don't forget a parent literally cutting the wires on my scooter (I repaired it because if I didn't, I would've been late to my job), her turning down the ac when I go to sleep without me having any covers (and her having many comforters, seeing this after she leaves for work), god there are so many things that anger me.

I can't even think about my parents anymore.

I had to learn fast how avoid being screwed over by others as an adult, because my own parents screwed me over in many ways.

My advice, if you make the CHOICE to have kids, don't normalise abuse and know what to look out for. It took me years of reading psych textbooks and self help books, talking to healthy strangers, being effed over by jerks who were better to me than my parents, learning the hard way of what happens when you don't grow up (doing your own laundry, building your credit, getting a license, basically taking care of yourself in every little way)... Just don't be horrible. Parents owe their children a decent life by virtue of them knowing how not to be effed by the world. If you don't want to raise them properly, that's fine, but give a loving gesture and give them to someone who will actually love them (respect them as a human being with their own interests, desires, and boundaries - something that all humans are entitled to, care for their personal, mental and physical health and growth, be a role-model for them if you want them to act like role-models, and be a proper parent. Hey, the birds can do it!!!)

Having an unintended pregnancy changed my life. I wondered what made people so entitled to act self-important after popping out children? Why do they say their children owes them their lives for being born? That wasn't the child's decision - it was the parent's choice. If the parent did their job, they wouldn't have to demand getting something back from their kids for being their parent. No one is in the position to do that even when they do a good job, it just shows what kind of person the child is and what kind of family itself it is. I would gladly give back to my parents, but since they have an unhealthy overwhelming need to have all thumbs and eyes on me at all times for fulfill this mastermind daydream that I have no say in, they're just more stress that I don't need/have to put up with.
For the hell of it, they can go on Craigslist and pay someone desperate enough to deal with their innumerable unmet needs.
Babysitter? 9-10 bucks an hour.
Cleaner? 100 per month if you don't leave your trash all over the house all the time.
Sell your junk? Pay someone three bucks an hour. That's a better deal than they will ever give me!
Run your business? Hire people and not depend on your family members to work harder for a discounted salary.
Need more money? Stop trying to use my tax return and make your damn own. Sell three vehicles out of your five and use only two.

This is why I can't think about them!

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