Mom's Family Programmed with NARC - Just Solved the Mystery
by Julie A.
I am interested in helping anyone see/understand the behavior patterns in their family, but never understood it has a name. See it all looks like different issues, BUT, IT IS VERY DAMAGING & IT GETS PASSED ON.
My mother actually had Narcissitic Personality Disorder (NPD), and it was hard-core. She had 2 brothers & 1 sister, and the whole family had "issues" that look separate on the surface, but, I just recently put the jig-saw puzzle together, and when I saw it for the 1st time now (at the age of 55) I sat with the feeling of sheer disgust but also of victory, for I am the only one in this family to UNDERSTAND what's going on.
My mother was the worst of the bunch, she was cold and calculating...she was unaware (as most are) about her behaviors or conditioning, because it is sub-conscious programming their family received and it is being perpetuated down the line.
My mom married my dad with low self-esteem. NARCs do so because they also have low self-esteem, but in order for a NARC to function, they need to be able to CONTROL, and low self-esteemers are perfect for it, in an unconscious pattern.
My mother tore us down as down as kids, psychologically, emotionally abusing and controlling us and used every trauma induced pattern cited in textbooks that I have studied in people with NPD. I hated to go home from school. My mother was as unloving as they get, using acceptance as a reward for desired behavior.
MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY HISTORY - RESULTS:
MY BROTHER is a very "disturbed" individual, no self-esteem, no relationships, "isolating" himself. He does not know why, this DISORDER was never uncovered. He was suicidal as a young adult, and he has no empathy for others. He displays NARC behavior himself. He uses silence to others as a way of controlling interaction. My brother doesn't have contact with family, but if he did, I want to now tell my brother it is not his fault, he needs to know about this and seek therapy so he can understand it and heal. Even late in life you can start to live again.
MY DAD also did not understand the dynamics at play here, but my mom was SO COLD & CALCULATING, TEARING EVERYONE DOWN, she drove my dad into withdrawal. Instead of divorcing her, he just withdrew into his work, they lived separate lives in the same house, and I'm sorry to say but SHE SHORTENED HIS LIFE CONSIDERABLY. He died when he was 51 yrs old. He no longer cared about life, I think he felt the damage and became hopeless, she was that toxic. He had low self-esteem to begin with.
ME. I was the only one to understand as a child she was somehow not right, and there was luckily a small part of my inner self that she just could not destroy. Oddly enough I became very empathic (the opposite of a NARC) because I never wanted to be like my mother, and knowing the inner abuse & pain, I went out of my way to help people...it's odd that sometimes they can create an opposite.
As a young adult I got the hell out of that house after she put my dad in the grave (I was 19). I remember telling a boyfriend I was living with I WANT NOTHING MORE TO DO WITH MY MOTHER, SHE IS TOXIC. I JUST NEVER KNEW IT HAD A NAME AND HOW MUCH DAMAGE WAS DONE.
Well, when my brother who was being manipulated into supporting her became suicidal & started stealing money from her to support hussies who were able to control my brother (low-self esteem), SHE STARTED TO CALL ME, BUT I DID NOT RESPOND. SHE THEN STARTED TALKING TO MY BOYFRIEND BEHIND MY BACK, AND HE INVITED HER TO COME LIVE WITH US? THAT I WILL NOT UNDERSTAND, except I was attracting NARCs to me in relationships, cause that was what I was familiar with in relationships.
In short, not knowing any better, she manipulated her way into our relationship (hard-core NARCS refuse to let their prey/kids get away). I wound up supporting her for over the last 20 years of her life. She had little control over me in any other way as she knew she couldn't totally break me, but I only really did it because I knew she was messed up and I just couldn't somehow leave my mother "messed up" (I REALLY wished I had though, I just did not know this stuff then, I would say GUILT which they perpetuate had a lot to do with it).
It was at a huge cost to me. I lived with a highly-toxic person while not living my life on my terms, paying the bills, AND I WAS SO MISERABLE & HOPELESS DURING THIS TIME, I understood that is exactly what my dad felt, and he basically tried to off himself (DIE) to get away. I know that feeling.
FAMILY PATTERNS THAT SHOW THIS TERRIBLE SUB-CONSCIOUS PROGRAMMING PERPETUATING ITSELF DOWN THE FAMILY LINE:
MY UNCLE DONALD: Had his self-esteem shattered as a kid & just like my brother, he chose & married women with super low self-esteem. I don't know his 1st wife, but they had 6 kids, neglected them totally, tore each other down and there are a whole host of issues now in that family. Worse, he married his 2nd wife, a hard-core NARC just like my mom, except she didn't care about the image she projected to the outside world (most NARCs do). She seized total control over my uncle & the kids. The behavior is horrid, I can't write about it here.
MY UNCLE HAROLD: NARC. He tried to project that picture perfect self-image to the world, but behind closed doors life wasn't great. There's speculation of him physically abusing his wife, and he had some weird personality traits. An example, he liked to hoard things. Because I really never knew their family (the FAMILY SIBLINGS FOUGHT, NO TOGETHERNESS), I don't know enough of their story, but his boys show the results of NARC disorder in their very odd/negative behavior.
MY AUNT JANET: This one is what led me to the realization of NARC disorder IN THE FAMILY. Born 10 year later than the rest, she was a little different in personality & also wealth, so it threw me until now. But having studied sub-con mind & psychology, I was able to put the pieces together and it just blew me away in disgust of the DISORDER.
She married a man who was obese, REALLY obese, not just over-weight. If you study psychology, you will find that super-obese people have emotional issues and that padding is put on to protect themselves emotionally from hurting (it is an addiction just like drugs & alcohol for trying to stop pain). In other words, there was some form of low self-esteem in my uncle, and NARC disorder attracts low self-esteem.
They had a child who is now almost pushing 50 and has never had an independent life, she is still living at home. Since they had their own business & became wealthy, she also worked there much of her adult life. TOTAL PARENT CONTROL exists in this situation. She has never married & can't figure out why she doesn't have a boyfriend, not a surprise. Also, she is super obese (emotional disturbance). Manipulated totally, money in this case is also a great manipulator.
I knew she was always controlled, but I didn't get it until I had a moment when I realized that they play covert mind games. My cousin has never been on time any time I ever met her anywhere. She has no-showed on me, has emotional outbursts when having conversations on something she doesn't want to converse about, bringing up some other thing to subvert it. She has never had a conversation with me without her mother (my aunt) also there on the phone (and that is freaking weird). Sometimes they announce it, but I always figure if I'm talking to her I'm talking to my aunt also...
Subconsciously, NARCS can be charming, projecting that picture-perfect image, but, you have to be aware of the behavior. They need to be on top, in control & getting in your head to play the psychological BS games...in other words, they are driven to try and "hurt" but covertly, because they can't be seen (self-image) as less than perfect. They try to make themselves feel better by hurting/disempowering others. My aunt & cousin (my uncle passed away) are in a hugely co-dependent relationship, but it was created by the parents.
Children don't know & understand because it was the only way of life they've ever known. Stockholm Syndrome is where the abused/controlled person actually stands up for and supports the abuser. They receive love/money/support for surrendering themselves to the controller, and will not risk it because they've been manipulated.
In this family my mom & siblings got the same narcissitic abuse, a lack of love, so they don't let their kids grow-up and become their own adults. NARCS have kids & use them to supply the "lack" of love in themselves sub-consciously (out of their awareness). They tell the child they "know what's best". This is the essential control mechanism at play. When I got to the bottom of my aunt & cousin's behavior, I sat literally feeling sick at the lives that have been damaged & ruined at this horrible affliction.
~ Julie A. ~