My Controlling Mother

by Jesse
(USA, CA)

(Visitor's story):
My mother and I have dealt with a lot in both our lives. My father (according to my mother) was an abusive and terrible man, while to me he was the normal, fun, dad. My mom hates him with a passion, and whenever I even mention him she gets mad. He even compares him to me and calls me abusive.

She has currently not allowed me to see my boyfriend (sadly, I still live with her as I am under the age of 18) because he reminds her of my father. Me and my therapist even believe that she needs therapy and should see a doctor that specializes on trauma.

My mother lies about him, saying that he's rude, aggressive, and just straight out abusive. This is not true, not at all. He's a very loving person towards me, and all of his friends, my friends, my little cousin, and even my little brother.

However, my mom has dealt with an argument with him. This is because they got in an argument because she told him that he was not allowed to date me. He asked why, and she wouldn't give him an answer. They kept arguing until the word "idiot" slipped out. Then, out of a fit of rage she called the cops, calling him abusive, violent, rude, and horrible. She even claimed that he "Violently grabbed me in a possessive manner" and that he needed to be stop.

The police officer did nothing much to help, other than agree with my mother. Now she has requested a restraining order that we must go to court for because she finds him "dangerous". Yet again, he's never hit me, called me names, isolated me, etc. In fact we've been in a very happy 8 month relationship. And we've known each other for about a year and a half.

I'm unsure of what to do, to be honest. MY mother is very hard to deal with, as she gets mad at me for not being the most optimistic of people, and yells at me for feeling sad, mad, anything that's not happy. She always pressures me to be kind, or at least civil by saying, "I got you out of foster care! I do everything for you!".

I am also not allowed at anybody ones house, I may not call anyone (unless my phone is set to "speaker"). I may not talk to, or see my boyfriend, ever. I cannot use my tablet, go outside by myself, go to sleepovers, go to to parties, or even football games. I am constantly blamed for anything (such as chores) that have not been done.

However, yes, I'm a little rebel and send him letters (via my mailbox) and that's are only way of communication...

I hope somebody is helped, and can relate.

Thank you.

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Feb 06, 2017
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Been there, faced that
by: Anonymous

Sorry to here your experience. Pretty much had the same experience when I was your age. She shamed me by saying that I am a slut and have lost my virginity like a dirty girl, when I merely talked to him on my way back from school. She didn't let me dress up in an age-appropriate manner, always suggested to buy clothes which were way too old-looking for me. And if somebody pointed that out, she blamed me for choosing them.She didn't let me groom myself in anyway, even when I was in college, saying girls who are too conscious about their looks can never excel in studies.And being good at studies was the only way for me to get some validation from her. After ruining my first relationship, she tried to get me engaged with some of her friends' sons. She has a huge fan club in her workplace because outwardly she is charming, efficient and a real hero - rearing up a girl child all alone after her divorce, which is still a big deal in India. They all look up to my mom for parental advise.However, when I got engaged to my best friend for school, she remained cold about it for a long time. At one point, me and my fiance had a couple of nasty fights and feeling upset and alone, I confided in my mother. She immediately played the loving mother card and extracted information about him which can be used against him or his family. After that day, she continuously fed all sorts of lie about his family to my ears and all sorts of speculations about what all would happen after our marriage. That went on for a year and then a fortnight before our wedding, I couldn't handle it anymore and broke up with him.. And then I saw her face. Gleaming with joy and prode. she immediately took me to a law year and asked me to file a restraining order against him, so that he couldn't come and convince me physically. It was the worst six months of my life, full of guilt and suicidal thoughts and acute depression. After which felt like an eternity, we got back together and got married. My mom is still trying to sabotage but this time, I will win.

Nov 03, 2016
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Get your education a job and get away
by: Anonymous

Get your education. Get a job and get away from your mother.

Oct 29, 2016
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Sorry
by: Anonymous

I feel very bad about your situation. I definitely agree that your seeing a therapist is the best thing to do and that your mom needs to do the same. As a young adult, it is important for you to be able to socialize and not be isolated for no reason. I'm happy you have a boyfriend and that he treats you nicely. Try to respect your mom and when you're ready for intimacy, I recommend you use protection. Best of luck!

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