Rip Tide of The Grand Slave
Visitor's narcissistic parenting story:
I was aware of the narcissism of my father from a young age. I understood the negatives of having such abuse in my life and saw the manipulation from him onto my mother.
His virtues in life were few surrounding around the facade of societal superiority: "Show the ability to be superior in all aspects of social interaction, wealth and charity."
As any mentally sound human being understands, perfection is not a luxury man get to indulge. With this mentality the family suffers, while strangers get rewarded.
Quickly I realized emotional support would have to be sought elsewhere. I knew there was no success when looking for my father's approval. This facilitated character traits of not ever trying, yet wanting to be looked at as having value.
I turned to friends to "fill" this void as narcissism usually extends throughout extended family as well (which I've come to know all too well). This lead to distancing myself (which was not hard due to lack of him working less than 12 hours a day).
Within a childhood as this there was no sense of self, as narcissists are obsessively controlling and this control continued on through college via financials and demoralization.
As college came, I involved myself with fun activities surrounded by friends in place of academics.
Further diminishing my self worth. I sought refuge to regather and rebuild to what I thought was a safer domain. I surrounded myself with my extended family (i.e. cousins, grandparents) far away from my parents.
I attempted to exile my parents further in this time and surround myself with more positive reinforcement. This was found to be a facade as well. As my grandmother is more narcissistic than her son, and my aunt and uncle are just as narcissistic.
This is cope-able as there was less emotional attachment and less projected time to these extended family members aside from my grandmother whom I resided with, and I had my cousins for support.
As time would show, my grandmother began attempting to demoralize, create severe codependency, and coerce me into being her "Grand-Slave". I found myself being blamed for others' actions (including my grandmother's), working hours daily to please my grandmother, and having my flaws brought to my attention within 30minutes of waking up.
My grandmother justified this by stating repetitively that she spends too much money on food for me or the water bill, etc. (I used minimal resources in attempts to counteract this, to no avail).
I ignored this for awhile, and thought I was accurately representing a grandchild/grandparent relationship and being too sensitive. I tried avoiding being at my grandparents house for less time, and decompressing with my cousins.
By the end of my 2 year stay, all of my male cousins were deceased, and things obviously only got worse. I was left with one person, myself, against the narcissism of a now crippled family. In this originally planned refuge, I was seeking self help for creating a more fulfilling life. I clung to this, being sure not fall into Stockholm Syndrome despite my grandmothers persistence.
I thought if I have the opportunity to live, I should do it the best I can for the ones who can't. This is easier said than done, however, this journey continues to help.
I shifted from trying to reform the issues of others, to reforming the reactions within myself.
Distancing myself from this negative environment is a goal I believe I can not let go of. The principles of Stoicism, Eustress, and conquering small tasks/battles one at a time (not thinking about the long process of a dream to a reality) is the best I've found for myself. I hope this helps.
-- Stoicism, Eustress and Focusing on the Small Battles, Not the War -- Change your reactions within yourself, instead of trying to change someone else --
~ Anonymous ~